Blah
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
That's how I've felt lately. Straight-up unmotivated and uninspired. Apathetic. Tired. Whiny, even.
The other day, when the absolute very last thing I wanted to do was get on my bike for an all-day ride and made a point of saying so -- often -- Chief of Stuff told me, "You chose this."
Helpful.
I know I did. I chose the intense 12-month training calendar, the time away from friends and family, the getting up early and/or going to bed late and doing-nothing-but-working-out willingly. I chose it to try and push myself to limits I probably don't yet know I have. I chose it to try and attempt the unthinkable, and I chose it knowing that that attempt would involve a lot of sacrifice.
But honest-to-god, there are some days when the sun is shining or the rain is pouring and I just want to be a normal person who can say, "I'm going to lay by the pool today and read a trashy magazine" or, "There's a great movie I want to see and, hey, let's go catch a matinee." And the thing is, I can say those things, and do them. But the rub is that, if I do, I spend the entire time not enjoying the magazine or movie, but worrying that I've derailed my goal with one lazy weekend. Again, my choice, I know. But go back and re-read the first sentence of this post.
My goals haven't necessarily changed. I still want to do this, accomplish this. Badly. And one of my goals is to train hard enough that I can enjoy -- as opposed to suffering through -- race day.
What seems to have changed is that my drive seems to have up and left. I'm still getting my workouts in, but every single one for the past two weeks has been an epic battle -- both mentally and physically -- to start, continue, and finish. There's no intensity, no zip. There's none of the previous random thoughts like "You are training for an Ironman! Kickass!" that used to get me all jazzed during a workout and as a result, up the intensity a bit.
I've been going through the motions, and I'm tired. Tired of doing that, of not having my usual zip.
My coach suggested taking a day off last week. I did. No zip.
Chief of Stuff suggested a fun bike ride around Lake Monona and through the Arb. I did it. No zip.
Last night, I ground out a nearly four-hour workout. It was supposed to be easy and I tried to make it fun, but by the time I got a lane in the pool at 9:20 p.m., I wanted to be anywhere but there. My arms felt like lead, and so did my eyes. And the whole while, I had the whole angel-devil debate going on inside my head: "You've worked out for almost three hours already, that's insane by normal-people standards...you should just go home and get a good night's sleep." / "You need these swim workouts...you don't want your race day to end at 9:30 a.m. because you didn't make the cutoff, do you? Or not to make the bike cutoff because you just eeeked out a 2:20 swim?" / "Just do half the workout, then. Better a good half workout than a half-ass full workout." / "You can't just do half. That's being lazy. It's five minutes to ten at night and you have no where else to be, so just do the last set of 100's. Just get it done." And on. And on.
So, I'm at a bit of a loss. I desperately want to get back to that place where training was fun, at least most of the time. Where I looked forward to the challenges I'd face on my demanding training days and celebrated overcoming them afterwards. Where I was inspired and enthused and motivated by something other than checking off a box on my training calendar. I've lost my way and gotten turned around, and now I'm just waiting for some kind of landmark or signal to tell me that I'm heading back in the right direction.
One of the things my coach assigned me to do is to find a training partner. Not for every day, but someone who can alleviate some of the long rides, and when I can (god-willing do them) long runs. I think this might help. A lot. It gets lonely out there all by oneself, with only oneself for company. And in addition, the next seven weeks are going to be a bitch: hard schedule, hard workouts, hard races.
So, we'll see if I have any luck, and if it works. Stay tuned...and keep your collective fingers crossed.
Posted by Erin 10:56 AM
Don't forget about Jay....he's always looking for a training buddy.
Here's to motivation --
So I totally just found your blog from Through Th3 Wall, but I love reading about your training.
You rock for training for the Ironman... I'm working on training for marathons No. 2 and 3. I would LOVE to go for something bigger eventually.
Maybe I'll start with a half ironman. We'll see...
I'm in Wisconsin, too. And this heat and today's rain totally sucks the inspiration out of me.
Anyway, best of luck! I'm sure I'll be back to see how it's going.